19:27 - August 28, 2002
intentions
This doesn�t necessarily have to do with my life, but why is it that boys, when they decide they want in your pants, start behaving identical to horny dogs? They bury their nose in whatever part of you they can reach, they nose around and wriggle, they curl around you (that part, alone can be quite nice, though), and their mouth always seems to be right there whenever you turn around. It�s difficult sometimes not to say, out loud, �down, boy!� Because then there�s problems, and so forth. Anyway, girls don�t do this. It�s not a sexual thing, it�s a BOY thing, and the only thing you can do sometimes to head off the ridiculousness (no pun intended, really) is to laugh at them until they, bewildered, start laughing with you, and then you can make your escape. Or, at least, if you feel the same but not in quite the doggy manner they seem to be accustomed to, take the upper hand. Though then you have to prefer the limp, silly grin look on a boy to the drooling one, which I do, if I had to choose.

I�m not being fair, though. I think I might have genuinely hurt his feelings, which I always do to guys, and it�s always unintentional, except for that one time, and he was a jerk. I went by his dorm today to see him and ask if he wanted to go down by Pearl St., but he rather staunchly insisted on staying and doing his work. His body was completely limp as I hugged him goodbye. He didn�t leave angry yesterday�

The issue is I can never tell whether I don�t like somebody that way or I just always regret it once I give in and let people kiss me. I like kissing, I do. I just don�t like what inevitably follows. The ownership feeling kicks in, and then the feeling of being suffocated. I am not a one-person person by any means; over a day straight with someone and I�m ready to knock out their teeth. I don�t believe that love, and sex, and everything leading up to it, should be confined to just one person until you damn well feel it should be, not out of any warped sense of obligation you feel to societal standards. In that way, I really am a hippie; free love, bullshit like that, I truly believe in it, truly. Love who you feel you want to love and if you don�t want to love someone back, don�t. But don�t let your love for one person cancel out your love for everyone else. Erik, when with Mary, lit up. He was so much more cuddly with everyone else, because he was happy, and his senses were up, and he glowed. It had nothing to do with infidelity. Sharing the glow with us didn�t make the glow with Mary any less bright. I wonder sometimes how many people understood that. I don�t think many did. But I can never explain all this to the people who want to kiss me, because it�s a monologue, and boys are not in their best listening mind frames when stretched out over a bed waiting for a �yes� or �no� answer. So I�ve always ended up until after they�ve kissed me, and I say it THEN, and it seems then that I�m trying to wiggle out of something, and thus look like a bitch. So I didn�t kiss him.

No matter which way I handle it it never seems right later. When I went over to his room today it didn�t seem right then. I haven�t had a �boyfriend� since before I started this diary, you know. The same month, even, because I remember Paul driving me home and me giving the whole �it�s not you, it�s me� dealie, and walking indoors and writing poetry, so relieved that I didn�t have to feel guilty about not writing poetry about the one who was supposed to be my boyfriend. I posted it because I wanted the whole nonexistent world to know, I guess.

But it�s been almost two years and my intentions are still good and my actions are still so, so bad.

previous - next