22:49 - December 27, 2002
impossible to ignore
I should never wake up earlier than 9 AM because then I feel the need to take a nap later in the day and then I either don't wake up from my nap until 3 in the morning, when I can't go back to sleep, or I do wake up from my nap in about two hours, but am grumpy and nauseous the rest of the day. (Problem: all my classes next semester are at 8 AM. Speaking of school, I finally got un-chicken enough to check my grades: four Bs, an A, and a D ((physics; just happy I didn't fail.)) However, the A was in a one credit hour class and the D in a three, so my GPA is a whopping 2.5: HOORAY! NO STUDYING ABROAD FOR HANNAH!) Also, my position on the waitlist seems to be getting further and further BEHIND (somehow), so I am going to end up being either a part time student or a very unhappy full timer taking classes such as math mods.

End school rant. It is winter BREAK. I am not sufficiently BREAKing if I am thinking about school.

The reason I woke up at 8:30 today was to climb. And then to climb some more, and to climb some MORE, and then to stuff my face with barbecue and then to climb some more. I miss climbing. I know I have no right to miss it, living in Boulder and all (the 'walls' are right outside my door) but the wall at the rec center is just about twice as tall as I am there, and the foot of the Flatirons is about two miles away from my dorm, which in the winter is a long way to walk, plus I don't really have the right outdoor equipment and I'm not outdoor certified. I hate people like me who go to a gym when they live in the foothills.

It is almost certain now that I'm not staying in this country once I graduate (or possibly even before I graduate: must check transfer requirements for select schools). I've never really embodied, or wanted to embody, the American Dream, but it's getting exponentially worse. I could tolerate, or ignore, it up until now. My political agenda has always been to ignore what's going on and do whatever I want. That's fairly effective, but guilt-inducing... and I don't want to be associated with the United States anymore at all; its foreign policy, its domestic policies, its intolerance, the greed that dictates whatever we do, the violence, the guns, the money.... everything. I realize there are worse places. I realize there are MUCH worse places. But even the places we commonly think of as 'worse' are only worse within their own borders. They don't travel outside the lines with their bigotry. Whereas we impose our views on the entire fucking world.

If I were to have a basis on my own morality, it would be within the phrase 'live and let live'. I can't believe that and live in a country where the opposite is practiced, no matter how hard I concentrate on pretending it isn't happening. It is happening. I finally know it without fail, without doubt, without blaming it on the faulty media reporting or anything else. WIth that kind of certainty it's impossible to ignore.

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