1:52 p.m. - November 11, 2001
balance
So last night we were talking about balance. Camille and her ultimate truths; she thinks everyone has one; so I had to think for a minute about what mine would be, and I came up with: balance. It's so simple. If there's no balance, things start fucking up. I have no balance in my inner ear; therefore I am always nauseous and dizzy. If you're a genuinely good person and life doesn't give good things back to, that balance is skewed and your portion is halved, dammit, give it back! But this isn't right, I said it pretty bad last night, but I'm saying it worse now.
Think religions for a minute, think of the particular form or forms of religions that say God is infallible. Not at fault. Can't make mistakes. Perfect. And so we begin to argue, how can a loving kind God as such send people to hell? And the first fault I find is, how do people equate 'infallible' with 'kind and loving', but we'll ignore that, we'll move on. They're saying 'my God wouldn't send people to hell. He loves everyone. He is perfect.' And upon hearing that, I've always marveled at the absolute centeredness of humanity, that we think God must be at fault if he sends people to hell, to use a really broad example. Going back to balance. What if being infallible simply means keeping the balance of the universe? If God sent everyone to heaven all the time, where would be the balance in that, where would be the conflict? Heaven would be teeming, Satan would be damn lonely down there, and what would keep some people from doing horrible things, if not for their fear of going to hell? Hell would not exist, morality, in a certain sense, would be a moot point (bear in mind 'Hell' is a broad term as I'm using it; the bad place; lack of spiritual uplifting, etc; whatever keeps people doing that gives them the feeling that they are, still, a 'good' person), and everything woul be so chaotic there would be no order to speak of, not that that's necessarily a bad thing, but the way our brains are configured now, we probably wouldn't be able to handle it.
I don't believe in God. But I do believe in the infallibility of something holding us up; that something that makes everything just be, the universe, the earth, the human body system, the ecosystem, that makes everything just fit together like a big puzzle piece. I do believe that it just happened that way, but not by complete coincidence. The universe is a knowing entity in itself; it is well aware of what it is doing, what it has done, and what it will do, all to keep this balanced and fitting together in the future. The universe is infallible. Not in the conventional meaning that it can do no wrong, but in the sense that there is no such thing as wrong on such a big scale. If it sends us careening into the sun? Well, that may fucking suck on each individual human level of thought, but in the long run, who cares? We move on to make room for the next stage. And they move on to make room for the next stage.
To anyone who doesn't believe in different planes of existence, know that I am not belittling you, but think about this, especially what I'm about to say next. There is one frame of time that is seen through eternity's eyes, where a million years is, to put it plainly, diddly shit, and it is a mere fraction of time in the eons and eons and eons of time the eyes of eternity have seen,and the eons and eons they will see. A thousand years? It is barely a blip on the radar. America's lifespan, a bit over two hundred years? Not even a blip. That hour you spend in calculus class, waiting and waiting for it to end? Do you think eternity's eye can even comprehend that? Can we even say these two viewpoints; eternity's eye and the human eye, exist on the same plane? Now think about just a half hour. You breathe in and out at least 400 times. Your lungs expand and contract with the gases. You swallow probably over 50 times, the saliva working its way down your throat. Your stomach works in digestion, your muscles pull, your heart beats and beats and beats, and most importantly, your thought processes. The taste of that plum. The pain in your wrist. The boy you miss so much. The greasiness of your hair, the smoothness of the inside of your mouth. That paper you haven't written, the feel of the carpet under your bare feet, and the coldness near the floor.
Each era, millions of years. The expansion of the Milky Way, the explosion of the earth into what we know it as now; a few billion years later, the destruction of it. The formation of something completely different. Different planes. The taste of that plum is lost in the rush if you try to think about it and the earth's destruction at the same time. But do we care about the earth's destruction, say, at the height of orgasm? And as eternity's eye watches our galaxy crumble, does it care about the bliss at the height of orgasm?
Think about it; your life doesn't matter. Nothing matters, in the big picture. But that isn't the issue, and furthermore, it's wrong, because eternity's viewpoint is no more correct or truthful than each tiny person's individual one. It's all a matter of perspective, and yes, your life is damn important if that's where you are, and it's all you've got. Enjoy your orgasm. Enjoy the taste of that plum, call the boy you miss, wash your hair, or don't if you like it greasy. It is all you've got, and it doesn't matter that the universe couldn't care less. It's all you've got. And rest assured, eternity will go about its business with or without you.

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