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20:06 - Tuesday, Feb. 24, 2004
sexuality spectrum
Somewhere there is a boy who's jealous of every boy who's ever turned a friend into a boyfriend rather than having to meet already out men at a gay club. Because, it seems, everyone else has that privilege; having the power to be the strong one, be the bar you pull up on and come out. The ultimate ego trip, right?... but a soft one, a gentle, romantic, sweet one. The kind where you think 'I'm unbelievably fortunate' rather than 'Damn, I'm good.' I know this out of some twist of fate, don't worry about from where. But there's never been a more common platform from which I can identify with gay men, other than the common platform of thinking other gay men are, in general, really fucking hot.
It's the desire to be enough to change someone, even if they were already changed in the first place.
I remember talking with Nick some day a few months ago, not too long before we got together. I was explaining to him the sexuality spectrum, and how I believe in that more than any other attempted explanation of sexuality. I expressed my place on it (75-80% straight, as far as I know) and asked him his.
'I think I'm at 100% straight,' he responded thoughtfully, 'but the spectrum is faded. If the lines are usually black, they're gray.'
It's the desire to be enough to change someone, even if they're already changed. He already was. But I never would have begun to dare to hope.


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