23:44 - Wednesday, Dec. 17, 2003 not trying to not be
In a way I�m just willing to do what it takes to make myself happy, however ultimately destructive or ultimately harmful it is, because... �ultimately�, what is that? Too far in the future to matter. When the future comes, it�ll be now. In another way, though, I want to develop ways to make myself happy that aren�t dependent on outside sources or anything that could conceivably be taken away from me. But what, really, isn�t? Outside sources extends right up to the weather and living conditions (concentration camp, mansion) and the way other people treat you. Drugs are just the knee-jerk response when you think of dependency, but everything is, really.
Still. It would be ideal if I could have a secret that I could use when just sitting in my living room on a normal dreary day.
That said, the best way I could have made myself happy today was exactly what I did, despite the previous paragraphs� banter. Robyn and Gail picked me up, scoffed at my clothes, took me inside to change into better sushi-dining attire, and then took me to their house where Robyn rolled a GIANT joint. Blazed out of our skulls, we then went to Hapa (on the way, they claim I almost killed us by driving too slow around a corner. That�s plausible, but I�m too embarrassed to admit it�s plausible, so I�m pretending they�re making it up), where we ate (and I will never forget this �parade of tastes�) miso soup, ginger soy salad, magic mushrooms, 21-piece sushi combo, teriyaki beef, and a banana tower with rum toffee sauce. Tonight we�re going to have a slumber party and stay up really late talking. Ha ha, I�m such a girl sometimes when I�m not trying to not be.
I'm packing up my computer shortly hereafter. Going to Evanston tomorrow morning a bit after sunrise... driving to the airport along the blazing yellow glow-highway of 36 east.. sunrise east. Next time I see this page I will be 5,000 feet lower in altitude.
11:20 - Wednesday, Dec. 17, 2003 week from dreams
Half the time, these days, I'm not sure where night is and why the sun is out when it is. But I've finished with finals. I can't believe this is my life..
Over a year of what seemed like hopeless hoping, and as a matter of (very, very ironic) fact, the last entry in my paper diary before all this exploded ended like so: 'He sees nothing in this.' 12/8/03.
On the 12th, we're giddily kissing in the middle of the street. Since then, I haven't been 100% per cent sure if the last five days have been a dream or not. Every time I go to bed I fear I'm going to wake up in my parallel bed on the 11th or something, still aching.
He left yesterday for home - great fucking timing, Nick, really - and it went so quickly that maybe it didn't happen.
Yesterday I went out to breakfast at the diner next door by myself, and was treated to a reminder of why I rarely eat out alone. The waitresses treat you like a social leper. (Who would go eat a breakfast skillet on Sunday late morning all by themselves?) 'Just one?' they say at the door in this syrupy, sympathetic whine, and then as you're eating they come up to you ten thousand times to ask if everything's okay. Shut up and go away, I just want to read and have a nice breakfast. There was a table of old women next to me - 60 or 70 year olds - who complained for seriously a half hour about how the diet menu had bacon on it.
My LGBT teacher provided a perfect finish to the week today, what with bringing lemon blueberry muffins and orange juice to our final. As we finished, one by one, with our exams (which, despite the refreshments, were HARD), she handed each of us a green carnation to symbolize the one worn by Oscar Wilde in the 1800's, the secret 'gay sign'. One student came in raging about a roommate's skipping out on a rent check. She stood in front of the class, seething. 'I'm getting fucked - FUCKED - for a thousand dollars. A MONTH!'
'Well, I hope it's worth it,' said the teacher in her single most hilarious display of underhanded humor all year.
17:09 - Sunday, Dec. 14, 2003 ahahahaha
normally, i wouldn't post online quizzes, but... anarcho-capitalism??? ahahahahaha.
You are Anarcho-Capitalist
What: Anarcho-Capitalism
Where: At the distant top-right of the politcal spectrum
How: Anarcho-Capitalists believe that big business should take over goverment to the point of government not existing. While they believe there should be law, they also believe that the law should be owned by businesses. Anarcho-capitalism is a modern belief and has never been attempted.
Anyway, I've been thinking. It's funny; I met my roommate through this journal. It's usually better not to think about what would happen if you had chosen not to do just a tiny thing that you did, or did do just a tiny thing that you were too scared to, or decided not to for some other reason. If I weren't so unconcerned with what strangers thought of me, I would have never met Andrew and Chris. They were the first people I met at college aside from the sorority girls at the obligatory floor meetings and my old roommate, who didn�t last long. I was waiting at the bus stop at 1 in the morning, after having had some very strange conversations with the guys at the glassblowing shop, sitting next to some girl on her cell phone who happened to live on Andrew and Chris�s floor and who happened to be their archenemy.
�Hey, what up?� shot Chris in his slingblade Brooklyn accent. �Where you girls coming from?�
�Oh, I�m not with her,� I responded automatically, pointing at the other girl, who gave me a wounded glare. �I mean, that�s not what I mea..�
Chris and Andrew looked at one another. �No, that�s sweet,� interjected Andrew. �Totally sweet,� he added under his breath.
We got on the bus. �Want to come back to our place and smoke a bowl?� Andrew asked. ..... and the rest, well. Played out from there.
How I met Lara was weirder. If you go to this guestbook page and look at entry #161, that was how Lara knew me, at first. Then one day I went over to Andrew's and either Aaron or Richard had brought over their friend, who was Lara, and who was sitting on the edge of the bed, chin in hands, staring and looking very brooding and bored. I, of course, didn't know that this was the Lara from my guestbook, and by the time I introduced myself, I was already out-in-the-clouds-high.
'Hey, I'm Hannah,' I said.
She looked up and smiled. 'And you're Singing Camel,' she said.
It freaked me out, man. I've never heard my diary name spoken out loud except when I did it.
Anyway, now we live together. How weird is that.
09:48 - Sunday, Dec. 14, 2003 short though it may be
This week has been kind of a bender in itself, but let's see....
Apparently to fulfill Andrew and Chris's purposes in life, all I have to do is the following (in this precise order): drink four shots of vodka in four minutes, smoke a marlboro red right down to the filter, then stick my tongue out and smack myself in the face a few times, and then slam my fist down on the table really hard and go 'yyyyyyes!' Seriously, this is their purpose. 'If I die without seeing that,' Chris said, 'I will have died without fulfilling my life.
Also from Chris: 'Come on, you know, when you're eating shrimp, and you're gutting it, and you pull out these, like, yards and yards of anal tract, and it gets all over your hands, tangled up and shit.... you know it's happened to you. It's happened to everybody. Man...'
He argued that for ten minutes, along with the fact that the reason some mussels were bad is that they crapped in their shell. He failed to have a similar explanation for oysters and mussels.
Gail: I think I've turned all my boyfriends gay.
Me: Maybe it's just that you're so special they don't care that you're not a guy.
Gail: (gasping and putting her hand to her heart) oh my god. OH MY GOD! That is the single best compliment I have ever received!!
Anyway, I guess I leave in four days or about that. I haven't even started packing yet, or thought about home too much at all. I'm looking forward to it, though. End-of-semester college students are nuts. Everyone's in a bad mood, snapping at each other or just getting mad drunk and fighting. Everyone is sick of their roommates from a semester of debauchery and it's just time for a break, short though it may be.
