20:56 - Friday, Oct. 17, 2003 free stuff!
Today rocked, because I kept getting stuff without having to pay for it. First, at the sushi place, they took forever to make our Caterpillar Rolls and so gave it to us on the house. Then we went to Ben and Jerry's and I knew both of the girls working behind the counter, though not that well, but they gave us our ice cream for free! People are so cool sometimes.
14:47 - Thursday, Oct. 16, 2003 avocados
I wouldn't take it back anymore.
Quote of the day: My mom: You didn't get the avocados??? Me: They have them ripe at Wild Oats! Mom: They're avocados! Now I'm going to have to use my secret weapon on them. And you're NOT GOING TO LIKE IT.
18:10 - Tuesday, Oct. 14, 2003 in a second
I was afraid to get high last night because I knew that I could easily go completely off either way. Sometimes I don't know what being stoned is going to do to me. In lieu of the past few days' events, I wasn't eager to mess with my mindset. The possibility of my losing it completely and freaking out and crying was way too probable... but I did it anyway, because how am I going to learn to handle things if I don't handle them? That reasoning is what started this all out in the first place. If I could take it back, I think I still would. But I can't. I can't even say to him that I would take it back because it wouldn't make any difference. He wouldn't be listening. So while I was high and they mentioned him, it was like the most ridiculous thing in the world. I could have said anything to him and it wouldn't have mattered; it's just honesty. It's just a different degree of honesty that I now know better than to hang out in around him.
So I got high and laughed for six hours. All day today I slept and dreamed I was tripping mushrooms, and when I woke up, completely sober, it STILL didn't matter. I'm not sure that awkwardness can work if it's only one-way. If I see him and he's totally weird, the only way I can counter that is by being totally normal.
All it was was a confession. It was not a conversation, or a plea, or a question. It was a confession. It had to be made. It was made. If I could take it back, I would. I would in a second.
18:56 - Monday, Oct. 13, 2003 insufficient mask
I don't know that I've felt like this since my sophomore or junior year of high school. Generally anxious, yeah, but not pure unadulterated panic. I looked in the mirror today at about 3:30 and my cheeks were literally green, a pale, sickly green. I mean, what the fuck. Do I look like that when I'm reeling and freezing? If I do it must be totally obvious to everyone and the fact that I don't say anything is just an insufficient mask.
00:08 - Monday, Oct. 13, 2003 i fought
I don't have the normal fight/flight reaction. I have fight, flight, or freeze. And I always freeze. My fingertips get cold and my face gets hot and my stomach coils and coils and turns, like it does when I have the stomach flu, and all I can think about is feeling better.... not doing anything to make myself feel worse. Nothing.
All I could say during this conversation was '........' My throat closes completely. When he left, I lay in bed wanting to chase after him. I didn't. I burned under the covers.
Something changed. I fought.
02:32 - Sunday, Oct. 12, 2003 like swimming upwards
On the way back from the Ween show on Friday we stopped at a McDonalds to get some water for our parched throats, but it was closed. On the way out of the parking lot we passed this old black man, graying hair, dressed in a raggedy overcoat with a forlorn expression on his face shuffling around the perimeter of McDonalds with a hand-held stereo in his cupped right hand that was blasting Avril Lavigne at top volume.
And I keep thinking of what it would be like if I were walking in the hallway of the Rec Center today and saw three people in a racquetball court, two with shirts off, the other flat on her stomach holding a racquet tied together with three shirts, a pile of assorted pocket-items together with the ball on the far end of the court, and her frantically flipping the racquet-contraption in the direction of the objects. And then walk back the other way and you see one of them riding on the other's shoulders. Do it again and you'll see one crawling across the back of another.
I sometimes see things from outside myself, or try to.
It's so late that I feel fucked up and I'm not, I'm not at all. The reason I'm up so late is we were all trying to have lucid dreams. Spreadeagled on his bed, I was close. Dragging me up is like swimming upwards through meters and meters of water.
