17:02 - November 12, 2002
you lose
It wouldn't be so bad if I knew the difference between balance and rarity. (Chicago/Boulder) There are spiders on my wall from the window being left open from the freak heat spell which ended today; I must sweep them all gently off, unless they are angry spiders, in which case I might kill them, as long as Nick isn't looking and won't be able to launch into some weird cascade of morality at me, despite the fact that we BOTH eat animals. I had my music listened to today by someone who took the trouble to get all the way to Will Vill and when he got here I realized the amount of music I THINK I write grossly overpowers the music I actually DO write; more of it is lying dormant in my head than I'd like to admit. I have a CD, and some odd Sonar blips I never finish because I can never finish anything, but where's the rest of it? I used to write so much music, so much, where did it all go? Oh yeah, it's lurking between the keys of the fourth grade piano in the fourth grade auditorium where I improvised the best soundtrack ever to the fifth grade musical. Oh a whim, dressed in black and red and green and yellow, curled my hair, took off my watch so I wouldn't get nervous; that actually worked, back then, I improvised the best dramatic music I ever have composed or will compose. Curtain calls, between scenes, non-verbal scenes. My dream job is to write soundtracks and this is why. My ten year old watchless self accidentally stumbled upon this dream without even skipping a beat, and now I am unable to get into the music school because, of all things, PIANO SKILLS. Was I not the Piano Girl for eight years of my life? Does that count for nothing? Never mind that that title was based mostly on assumption, history, and word of (fickle) mouth; never mind that my sightreading is abonimable; never mind that my range has shrunk and my fingers have cramps and my wrists have gone stiff and I can't even play the goddamned Debussy correctly; I return to this, always; was I not always the Piano Girl?

I am going to slide sneakily into the electronic side because I can and because it pays. I am going to learn to use Finale because I have to. I am going to ignore my past because it obviously has no bearing on the future. I am signed up for theory 2 and ear training 2 next semester; I was arguing with the music department secretary, who was telling me I couldn't get around the system TWICE, I was going to have to damn well wait if I wanted to take classes with the majors, when my current theory teacher walked in and said he would sign any waivers needed to get me into the classes I wanted to take. He didn't know I wasn't a music major, and in his opinion, if he can't tell the difference, there's no reason I shouldn't take the classes.
It seems no one here likes or wants to follow the bureaucracy, except the bureaucracy itself, which consists of... oops! the people who don't want to follow it. Sorry, bureaucracy, you lose.

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