10:57 p.m. - February 20, 2002
who i would have been
this entry is for Erik, who wants to know who I would be if i could 'forget everything up til now.'

If I could start over, I wouldn't hang over people's shoulders while they were talking just so I could get my nose in and feel like I was included, even if later they would walk away talking about how they wished I wasn�t there. I wouldn�t be the kind of person people wished wasn�t there. I might pay more attention to being pretty if it weren�t too late to change perceptions, but anything I do now wouldn�t make a bit of difference. I�d do everything extreme early on so no one would be surprised if later something went wrong and I fell apart.
I would be the sort who either simply slides through life or is overly dramatic about every little thing, because those extremes are desirable. I�d have a collage-wall and a book overflowing with photo-prose-memories and a shag rug. Also, a music collection that could provide background or foreground music for absolutely any occasion, from loud parties to dancing to quiet talking to lovemaking. I�d not really worry about brushing my hair, or impressing boys. Both should come only when necessary, and unexpected, or for a certain occasion. I wouldn�t be so conscious that everyone is thinking how ugly my body is at the beach and reason, instead, that it will be uglier in fifty years.
I don�t know how many of the people I know now I regret meeting. Probably none. There are people I regret not meeting, though. And there are people I know, had I not met them, my life would be drastically different, and in most cases, probably easier and a lot less painful. If I could start over I wouldn�t let it be painful because I would know how it would all turn out, no matter what; regretful and alone.
Just enough unhappiness to send me into a short downward loop that lets me write amazing prose and beautiful music, then come back up again.
If I could do it over I�d be involved in a lot more things, things I thought I could do on my own but ultimately, once I started, were more fun with other people. I wish I�d thought more and talked less. I wish I hadn�t dropped out of the human race freshman year. I wish I�d done more of the things I really wanted to do. I wish I hadn�t let Max put the top down on my car. I wish Graham hadn�t happened. I wish I�d taken Jazz Studies. I wish my parents had made me choose ONE instrument. I wish I was a mystery instead of an open book. I wish you would see me as something other than someone who�s not even smart enough to get her own shit together and choose her own paths; a �silly girl�, if you will.

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