19:26 - September 07, 2002
without you
I was just sitting here staring into space and listening to the new Silverchair album when I looked down and myself and noticed, really noticed, for the first time, how much weight I've lost. I need it to stop; it's starting to scare me. From 165 just before I left to 148 today; I weighed myself in the men's bathroom because that's where the scale is and I wasn't thinking about the fact that I wasn't male. That's why my wristwatch has been slipping its face to the wrong side of my hand, and my pants are threatening to slip over my hips and slide down every time I make a sudden move. I don't understand why all this weight is coming off. I don't have any weight to spare, not at 6'2"; I need it to balance me out, to keep me from tipping over. I remember how I used to feel when I was even skinnier; like I was 2-D, like in that Calvin and Hobbes cartoon, and if a gust of wind came along at the wrong time, or there was a well-placed jab, or someone looked at me wrong, I would blow away. Vulnerability is what it is, and it is directly tied to my emotional state. I do not like looking and feeling like a skeleton while trying to make connections with people and trying not to be antisocial and making myself see the absolute stupidity of bitching about not having any friends when people actually talk to me all the time, but at the time I just want them to go away.

It's always the religious, army-trained, and straightlaced boys that get along with me, because they see me as slightly dangerous, but not so irreverent as to be a threat to their straight-arrow lifestyle. And I'm sensitive when I want to be.. well.. not exactly sensitive, but I don't call everything gay all the time, all right? But sometimes they do, and I don't say anything.

Although later I do run through the things I could have said had I not made a resolution a long time ago not to be a bitch, no matter what. I think laid-back could be my nature if I let it.

Right now, though, my body is melting away during the night and I can't do anything until I get enough of it back to constitute how much I am meant to be.

Quote of the song I'm listening to, because I don't do that regularly enough to be irritating:

old incisions refusing to stay
like the sun through the trees on a cloudy day
- silverchair, 'without you'

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