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7:43 p.m. - March 11, 2002
why?
I'm not only anxious, but sick, as well. Good. If it was just anxiety making me feel this terrible then I'd be extremely worried. Actually it's a flu on top of all of it, so it's a relief. 99.0 is a fever for me... I've got this freakishly low normal body temperature of about 97.1. I've taken Paxil for two days now... no noticeable difference yet, but that's to be expected. It's a long term med. And I'm talking in these horrible curt sentences that make me sound like a nurse, for some reason, probably the fever, so I apologize.
Yesterday Camille and Mike and Erik came over for a bit, and driving over to pick up Mike, I felt like absolute shit, but by the time he was back at my house I was fine again. Duck Hunt distracted me, I suppose... then Camille showed up and Erik showed up and I felt fine until about 5:30, when the room started spinning and my stomach started acting funny and my throat felt like it was closing up. I'm not sure anyone noticed. Camille says she can always tell when I don't feel well and/or am nervous because I 'act like a little kid who needs to go to the bathroom'. Fidgety. Nervous little smile. Playing with the clothes. The whole thing. I took deep breaths and edged down under the blanket to stay warm. The point is, I didn't jump up and run away. The point is, I didn't collapse in a corner and say 'i can't drive you home, i can't, i just can't' and burst into tears. I drove Mike home, went to my mother's, felt increasingly worse and worse, then drove home shakily, went to bed, and woke up feeling even worse.

I don't know why I'm writing this; where this is leading, if anywhere at all. I want to know when it's going to stop. I want to know why it went away for two years and then decided to come back randomly on a sunny warm day in March for no reason. I want to know why I'm so terrified of throwing up. I want to know why, when I'm feeling sick, thinking about sex makes it worse but thinking about food doesn't. I want to know why everything in the entire world has the capacity to make me feel nauseous... movie theaters, tv screens, computer screens, the i-max theater, heights, small spaces, large spaces, cramped spaces, quiet spaces, boats, trains, certain boys, certain smells. etc.etc.etc whine whine complain complain, yes, i know. I want to know all of this, as if knowing would do me any good. I want to know, if I went to Erik's right now like I used to and sat on his couch and let him hug me quietly and radiate comfort like he does, would it make me feel better, still? Is Paxil even going to work this time? And why the FUCK am I taking it when I know it makes me fall asleep randomly like a full fledged narcoleptic, lose my sex drive completely, and have this totally false sense of security, but with an undertone to it that just mocks me and says 'if it weren't for me, you'd be huddled in your room right now. Or dead.' . oh wait, that was supposed to be a question mark, right? here:? it was a 'why' question. Why? Why, why why why why?

 

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