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10:05 a.m. - August 30, 2001 July, 2000. Dear _____, I was just thinking about your kindness & understanding of me back at the beginning of my sophomore year, when I was paranoid and terrified of everything, movies and vomiting and even getting too close to anyone, so hard to deal with, but you did. Deal with me, I mean. And although your kindness did not go unnoticed, when we split, it was anger from there. I would have done the same thing in your situation, trying to contend with me, but I WAS me then, and it hurt. Over time the reasoning faded but the pain lingered and I associated it with asshole intentions. I do realize you don't see it like I do, as magnified, and I doubt anything at all has crossed your mind pertaining to me, but I know I retain EVERYTHING and have to follow it up. Just to make sure you realize these things. Like helping me watch to overcome my fear of movies, and holding me because I couldn't hold you first, and giving me an 'out', which I desperately needed at the time because I was terrified of all these things. Inconsolable. And it was great of you, more than anyone did at the time, to do it. I wanted to kiss you back. I did. But my panic was greater. I just need to to realize that. And that I have come a long way since, that I have learned to be close without pulling back, I don't even think the same way anymore. I see a reaching out as part of life, a great part that you want to happen because it feels wonderful to do it. I want you to know that I should have accepted those few days you gave me of yourself. Because there's nothing anymore to pull away from. I never sent it.
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