14:43 - December 24, 2002
unequal tilt
Ooooof. I think I've reached my people threshold.
The whole time I was lying in bed, trying very hard to sleep because I was TIRED, I was thinking about how much I would regret it later that I wasn't spending time with the people I've been missing the most. When I was there, all that was happening was that we were watching a movie. Two couches, and on one side of me Erik and Mary were nuzzling and doing Erik and Mary things, and on the other side of me, Nora, Camille, and Mike were in sort of a cuddle line. I, of course, was in neither, and my choices were as follows: sit there and feel lonely, or force my way into one of them. Third choice: leave. Sounded better to me. But of course then it was blown way out of proportion by people's projections (are we sulking? are we angry? the ball is in whose court now?) All I want to do is go to sleep and forget any of it is happening. Actually, all I want to do is fit in effortlessly like everyone else seems to be able to do. But that's not going to happen. It's not going to happen in Chicago and it's not going to happen in Boulder. (I need to realize that I don't miss either place. I miss the perfect place I've never been. It comes up in my mind as whichever locale I'm not in at the moment, but really it's neither.) I suppose in Boulder though it's much easier to forget. If you know what I mean.

What going off Paxil is supposed to do is make it possible to feel things heavily again. That's both happening and not happening. I guess though that it can't force feeling into something that's not there. In high school, you still have the hope that there is something perfect waiting. Once you get to that something perfect, which turns out not to be perfect at all, you don't have that anymore and it takes something away. What I need to learn how to do is change my emotional setting without changing my geographical setting. It's not a requirement, you know. There is such a thing as self-driven happiness, you know. (My immediate reaction: get out of this country. Now. Before you get infiltrated. Truly, I don't know if I'll last in America through graduation.)

I don't know if it is actually easy for her or it just seems that way to me.

I think I'm skipping my youth by accident. I don't know if I can help it, though. The world is a hundred times easier if you're beautiful.

My issue is that we shine through perfectly to each other, but the whole world sees intrigue in her and only she sees it in me.

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