7:35 p.m. - November 08, 2001
sloth
I am disgusted by how absolutely weak I am.
Not emotionally (for once; I'm not harping over something emotional), but physically. I went to intramural wall climbing after school today because, well, I like wall climbing.. and I was shocked to find out I coudn't even make it up the easiest wall (the yellow wall for all you ETHS-ers... you know, the one all enclosed that you can basically scoot up if you are so inclined?). I couldn't make it. I went halfway, looked down, and started shaking. I let go a second later. Meanwhile, there are all these sticklike little freshman who are half my size scrambling up the red wall (think: big ledge in the middle you have to basically climb upside down to get to) with no problems whatsoever. I'm stuck on the yellow wall, nonexistent muscles aching. Feet hitting the floor finally, unhooking myself. Shocked at how everyone else has made it up that wall except me. I never thought I was that weak. I knew I didn't exercise. I knew I spent most of my days driving places instead of walking there. I knew the only worked muscle in my body were my hands; from playing the piano and typing on the keyboard so much. My fingers are strong. I gripped the fingerholds in the wall quite well. But that's all I did; grip them. Not move up; not move down; just hung there, shaking, scared of heights, which I knew, but not to that extent, finally calling to the belayer to let me down.
In absolute denial, I went straight for the blue wall. If I couldn't climb the easiest wall, I might as well try one of the harder ones.
I didn't make it more than four feet off the ground. It required arm strength. I didn't have it. It required flexibility. I didn't have it. I dropped down five minutes after I started, and to my absolute horror, started crying. The hoarse old gym teacher came over and rasped at me that I should just keep trying. He was quite nice, actually, for teaching phys. ed.
Walking to my car, I was absolutely disgusted. Me, who set the third grade record in chin-ups. Me, who kicks people's asses constantly, but I realize now it's either because of my height or people just don't try to beat me back. I have no strength. And usually I don't care. But not being able to pull myself up a wall that people four years younger than me could navigate in seconds made me feel like I was going to seed, at seventeen. So, so silly. Erik will call me a silly girl, and I'll strangle him, and not realize he could break my hold in a second. I am obsessively doing push ups. In the long run, who cares whether I can climb a wall? But what if I actually need that strength to save my life?
I am sickened by my slothlike ways.

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