23:03 - July 21, 2002
skeletons in the velvet robe
I found a totally new level of meaning for the term 'skeletons in the closet' or, in this case... velvet robe. WHA! WHA HAHAHAHAHAHA! Unfortunately, nobody understands this but me. It's a shame how that works out sometimes...

I drew a picture to symbolize this while I was waiting for these electric violin songs to finish downloading on my (still!) 56K modem. It involves very little color and too much verbiage, much like myself, not to mention a complete lack of resemblance between my pencil's version and my mind's version, and, probably, the true version. Knowing the situation as I know it, none of these three are the same, although two should be (if he weren't so fucking.. um.. hm. NONEXISTENT!)...in the purest sense of the word, that's not even true. Nonexistent embodies something else entirely... nothingness. He is anything but nothingness. (Let's wade through our adjective-turned-nouns here..)

On January 2, 2001, my mind was in the same place it is now, only.. maybe... more. Read it and weep, memory..

Why can't I know him? In the literal sense, in the Biblical sense, why does he have to be just.... anyway.. the thing is, he isn't.. if he were, I wouldn't care... but I can feel everything right through all the miles and through my skin and playing behind my closed eyes, like someone I'd waste no time mocking. of course. And there's something here that repels the notion that I'd normally be mocking... it's the lack of any need to reiterate, or define. We don't define ourselves; we don't need to. We're he and I, sometimes almost indiscernably close, almost linked, and other times connected by just a hair that one of us grabs onto and pulls back. Every time we break apart, I fear we're never going to feel it again. He's so unpredictable, so random, so (just say it) FUCKING MANIC, that anyting could easily happen. We might never have again what we had then. And that would be a terrible loss. I'd miss him like some part of me... a part that never was, but should have been... was gone.

Does anybody recall an appropriate musical theme for the absolute accuracy of a prediction? Now would be a nice time to play it. Theme for 'worst fear came true?' Put it on. Put it on and turn the volume all the way up.

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