00:07 - July 04, 2002
yay for sharpies
Recent excerpts from my 'little black book' (leaf print), and my 'mystery notebook' (purple velour).

'i plead the fifth.'
'do you need a hug?'
(the beginning of eveything...)
'oh, erik,' you would so poignantly say were you not you.
---
remember, as you try to close your eyes
against this summersmelling pillow
that it has never been easy to forget everything
enough to have the drive to start anew each day
and remember that you are on a pill that dulls your perceptions, and your sex drive, and your mind,
and not to expect anything brilliant
without the accompanying fear.
and remember not to try too hard because you will only end up exhausted, with a headache,
writing things you, morbidly, like to read over later
and remember, as your eyelids struggle to meet, that it is nearly 11 and you will wake up at the same time tomorrow.
12 hours of sleep is enough to wipe all calm ou of your energy.
do not expect to be automatically stronger. summer is a magic that works in circles..
---
I'm all I ever told you I was.
---
'does camille view you as a specimen?'
'oh, that's not what i.. i mean i didn't.. say it right... i don't think i'm a.... well, yeah, actually...yeah.'
---
this is not a difficult question: '5 things that make you happy. but it is.. oh, it is... every time i think of something thatmakes me smile, i remember how it ended, or how it still lies unresolved, or how i went home and cried afterward. here seems to be nothing not laced with melancholy, or regret, or that ripped open feeling in the bottom of your gt that waits to be filled but never never never never is. added to erik's list: 'it irks me that people see only the negative.' dear, that is not my issue. i see the positive so much that it burns. i see both sides emblazoned in red gold letters. and there is no such thing as happiness, if you have to stop and think about 'why?'
none at all. so please allow me to pass go.
---
written on bathroom wall:
'yay for sharpies'

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