10:05 p.m. - February 13, 2002
separate entity
Lately I've been having disturbing mental images running through my head and they all have to do with guns. I have trouble walking by a window in my house when it's really pounding on my mental doors. I keep seeing, in the shadows outside, something circular pointed right at me, until I realize it's just a reflection of something inside, because of course you can't see out a window when the light's on.
All joking aside, it's really getting bad. I don't think I've ever even SEEN a gun. Maybe that makes it worse. But the idea of them has always messed with my mind. Something you can put to someone's head, or your own head, and with a flick of a fingertip, the person is in pieces. At least the part you shot at. I'm sorry, the imagery is horrible, but it's what's in my mind, and it's starting to be overwhelming.
The thing is, things are usually in my mind for a reason. I dream when people are dying that they are dying. There is insistent knocking in my brain when someone needs help, and I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that these images in my mind might be some sort of premonition. I mean obviously I'm not going to kill myself. But you never know about anything, not when your life is in the hands of anybody you pass in the halls or on the streets or whoever might be at your window.
There's something (or more accurately, someONE)else in my head also, at the moment. There is no reason I should be thinking about him, yet for the past couple days it's been insistent, his presence, like there's something I should know that isn't quite getting through. My take on it is that if there's something wrong he should be able to get it through somehow; it's not as if he can't. But it might be that I can't, and the deficiency is on my end, and all I can receive is this presence, this face, these eyes floating around, the meaningful stare. The stare that says 'Well?'
And I don't know. Well what? Leave me alone. If it's so important then it can fucking well happen. The gun, the boy, everything. What's the use of having a fit, when in all likelihood it's probably nothing?

'The ones who know me don't talk about my mind as something I control. They talk about what 'it' will do next, like it's some entity separate from me...'

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