2:10 p.m. - March 24, 2002
passive aggressive hors d'oeurves, anyone?
Admittedly, this is passive-aggressive as FUCK, this back and forth defending of self based on what other people have written in their diaries about what you wrote about them in your diary. Does nobody pick up a phone anymore? But of course, I've got no place to complain, being just as bad. I think sometimes I write when I want to get my feelings out without creating unneeded drama. I used to just go straight to whoever and spill whatever and then there would be yelling and fighting and inevitably, crying, and hence, drama, and hence, pain. Hence, now I write instead. I'd honestly forgotten who read this.
But now the cycle is begun, anyway, for better or for worse, so, having acknowledged the passive aggressiveness, I shall now continue it. He said that I worry too much about what people think, that I need to 'loosen up'. Loosen up I'll ride with, I'm by nature quite intense. I don't have the right eyes for it, but I am, and I should have been born with piercing blue or green rather than the translucent green-gray I've got. Either way, I relate to my surroundings with the mind of a writer; whether I am one or not is a matter of opinion. I like to think my instinct is not to judge, but to observe and absorb and go on. However, and on to the second part, worrying about what people think, well, that's wrong. That's not what I worry about. No doubt, I worry, but it's more a struggle of day to day relations. Didn't I spend my whole high school career trying to crack the misconception that I was needy, even if it wasn't technically a misconception? No, it's more trying to let the world see me as I see myself, which never ever works and yet I keep on trying. I'm used to my mind, which tends to forgive anyone for anything if they can write about it beautifully. I'm a sucker for surface, maybe. Maybe. But I'm also used to finding out that people see me in a completely wrong light, and yes, that irks me. I miss the innocent discovery when I was young that people would make when they tried to quiz me on my letters and I had already written stories. That talent must be hidden in me, still, somewhere. But nobody looks anymore and I'm too tired to try and dig it out, which is my own fucking fault, I know. So I try in more superficial ways, to be who I know I am, but it only comes through with one person completely effortlessly, and that's Camille. (And Taylor, but fuck Taylor, because he's fucking disappeared and I'm through with his games.) Anyway.
I'm worried about what people think, but only because every time I ask, they're thinking wrong. I cannot stand to have people having misconceptions and just sit there and let them have them. Listen up for this big confession, like you hadn't realized it already: I'm not apathetic in any sense of the word, no, not ever. I think to be apathetic would be much easier, but I would never choose to be, because it would be boring. What if you never care about anything? Then what do you ever feel? Why even get to know people if you're not going to care about them? Why have sex? After all, it's just sex; who cares? Why get out of bed in the morning if you don't care what you do? Why live? Why?
Well, FUCK that. Fuck it. When I do something, I want to feel it, all the way, tingling through every nerve ending and brain synapse and down out through my toes and crackling in the tips of my fingers. When I kiss someone I want it to be electric, when I fuck someone I want it to be tender and mindblowing and painful and soft and fuzzy, all at fucking once. When I ride a rollercoaster I don't ride one that's going to feel like a merry-go-round, am I? No, I'm going to ride the fucking aptly named Shock Wave. I know this, and I strive for it constantly even though I'm aware that perfection like that only comes along completely by accident if it ever comes at all, and you cannot force it. But I continue to try and force it, and I know that's destructive, I know it, but what am I supposed to do? It's easy for anyone to say 'relax' and it's even easy for me to say it: relax, Hannah, everything doesn't have to matter so much. Doing it is different. Doing it is so different.

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