11:01 - August 10, 2002
ow.
I am down four wisdom teeth, three of which were impacted, and for this reason I am (or was, I'm down to Ibuprofen now) stoned off my nut on Vicodin and residual general anesthesia. This hurts. Last night, I was so out that I wrote a semi-will because for some reason, in my drug addled mind, I was positive that if I closed my eyes I would never wake up. Despite my eyeballs frizzing and wavering all over the place and my hands slamming from that feverish skin-crawly feeling one gets when one is not in one's right mind, I managed to scrawl out a farewell note in the back pages of my purple fuzzy notebook to anyone who had the fortune or misfortune to linger in my mind long enough for me to write something meaningful. I'm reproducing these writings here, (omitting some of the more embarrassing things I'd ONLY want people to know if I were actually dead) because what's the point of letting people know how much you appreciate them if you're already gone from the world? It might make a few tears fall over my casket (or ashes, in this case) but, who the fuck cares? Anyway..

if i die tonight tell camille i'm sorry i didn't say i loved her too on my way out the door. i wanted to but it's always so awkward and trite to say it BACK to someone like it's the returning of a favor
and tell erik i AM happy that he's so in love and i would have probably have gotten to the point very soon where i could have been happy without any trace of jealousy, and in death i am fully all the way happy and i love you
and tell nikki i took her for granted when i shouldn't have and it's only because we were always so easy and comforable and lighthearted together that i didn't put as much effort as i should have into letting her know she was a major lift in my life
and tell rachel that yes, she is indeed fucked up, but in that brilliant way that will ensure turmoil and pure pure exhilaration that most people will never have, so don't you dare ever think of yourself as bland ever
and tell mike that he's got so much more driving feeling inside him than even he thinks, and if he would just let it out the world would thank him. and then at least he would match that expressive beautiful face of his and i notice and appreciate what's there even though he's always treading my last nerve, always
and tell mom that when i grow older i might have regretted my flippancy but at the moment i still believe i was helping her in the only way i knew how. if you hit rock bottom, the only way left to go is up.

everyone else slips into a pool of love behind my eyes at this midnight vicodin-soaked hour, and my dad and i have spoken perfect enough last words that i have nothing more to add.

if i die i want camille and erik to go into my diaryland diary and write what they wish. the password is ******. this means ****** in italian, but it's rarely used anymore. make my death public; what do i have to lose?

thank camille for her protective nature over me and her determination and how she always laughs at my jokes
thank erik for his tinglig warmth and his physical proximity and his promise
thank nikki for being the only person in the world i was never anxious around
thank nora for the small things i never expected
thank mike for being so different and difficult that i had to learn a whole new way of dealing
thank rachel for the ode she wrote me that i accidentally shredded in the wash
thank dan for being dan and so perpetually amazingly talented and surprising and for going to prom with me
and camille, if taylor is ever proven to still be alive and sentient, tell him he was my perfect fit by words and by emotions and he made me cry and believe things that were never true and i loved him anyway. tell him to touch people. tell him that if i had ever hugged him i would have never let go.

and my eyes are twitching and i am so dizzy and i can picture choking to death on my own blood but i still remember myself as a rollercoaster, lonely and cynical but loving and hopeful, and my mind a constant turmoil, but i am happy, at least right twirling reeling spinning crying laughing now.
081002
00:25:43

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