23:06 - November 02, 2002
over the top
All I can say is that I'm happy to be alive.

For the past few days I've been indulging myself in every way. Almost every meal has been eaten somewhere expensive and rich; I've spent a whole lot of time in a yellow SUV, and haven't spent any money because anything I need is being paid for by someone else. My dad has arrived for his pseudo-Parent's Weekend visit (the real Parents Weekend was last weekend, but I suppose he thought coming when other parents were coming was, I don't know, gauche or something), and it feels sickeningly lavish, disgusting, over-the-top in every way. In the same way I was queasy when I heard Ashley's parents talk about which multimillion dollar house on the Hill they were going to buy for Ashley next year, I'm getting queasy eating sushi and then climbing into a car parked conveniently nearby to drive back to the dorm, or possibly stop off at Ben and Jerry's for dessert, rather than having to take the Skip and think about how much this is all costing me and how much I'll have not to eat to be able to do this again. It never bothered me before, and come to think of it, it's really stupid that it bothers me now. But I felt much more real walking down to the creek and drawing, and walking back in the increasing cold, suffering for the eventual warmth of my dorm. It's like some kind of Catholic penance thing, minus the Catholicism; do I feel the need to make myself suffer?
I don't know if suffering is the issue, but unnecessary lavishness is. At Christmas last year it was overtly sickening. No getting around it. This time it's an underlying feeling, probably caused by hanging out with Nick too much and discussing minimalism, but whatever... it feels weird.

The happy to be alive part stems from today, driving back from Glenwood Springs in a roaring blizzard with trucks, complete with chains, sliding down the roads sideways, and cars nearly plunging over cliffs, and nearly no visibility (you couldn't even tell there was even a mountain next to you, for christ's sweet sake), and I-70 moving about the speed of a parking lot, having to pee while in the middle of it... eventually I just put my jacket over my head and let my dad drive, not looking, not straining to see... I didn't want to see, I wanted just to wake up when it was over. (As it happened, I woke up just as my dad was getting lost trying to find US-36, but I digress) and I'm quite unable to write right now anyway, from an overdose of unused adrenaline, so good night.

previous - next