5:12 p.m. - October 14, 2001
old songs
I found all these songs I wrote freshman year, those songs I used to play every day at my little piano and sing into a little tape recorder, trying to figure out what I sounded like, but all it picked up was the jarring vibrations of the piano and that annoying, overzealous vibrato I still unwittingly have. Anyway, I looked at them and realized that the lyrics aren't bad , but they sound like they come from the head of someone much older than fourteen. And I don't necessarily mean that as a compliment. What I mean is, they all have that tone of old sage advice giving, like 'I've lived through this and you haven't, and I'll tell you what to do so you don't fuck up'.. well, in similar terms. The funny thing is, I hadn't lived through anything myself then. I still haven't, but that isn't the point. The point is that had I listened to my own advice then, here are some things that would have resulted: A) I would be living with my mother right now; full time (regardless of whether I liked her or not), B) I would have a choking hold on people I missed, and wanted back, or who I'd drifted away from, (regardless of whether it was healthy or not), C) probably dependent on some man, or without the spine to break up with him before things got worse (regardless of whether I wanted to or not)...

I seemed to have thought quite oddly then, and the difference is becoming a little clearer as I look at it. I thought there were certain moral ways to do things, regardless of the circumstances surrounding them. It didn't matter for example whether someone was taking advantage of my love for them, I still should continue loving them and putting myself out for them and pouring my heart out on the ground. I don't necessarily agree now. If someone treats you like that, they don't deserve your love. Who cares if you still want to give it? I used to think it would be stronger to continue to love someone even while being rejected, but now I know it's not. It's more painful, but it doesn't take more strength. It takes more strength to get over what's crushing you and move on... stagnancy is the domain of laziness. It's much harder to move onto the next stage.

I'm not saying I can move on right now... I'm saying I know I should. Doing it is the next step for me... they say that visualizing is the precursor to movement. I hope so.

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