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18:37 - January 05, 2003
more distant
Because of a slip in character (one I rarely have) I discovered last night something that made me feel light and happy for the first time in years. It was enough of a difference that although it was midnight and time wasn't going backwards or speeding up, I did a double-take at the window because the sky was brightening. Brightening purple and pink like sunset only in reverse. Only it was midnight.

I'm not sure why it makes anyone feel better to suddenly know why, or part of why, they are the way they are. Picking out an incident from childhood, or as the case may be, a lot of incidents, and realizing it had a huge effect shouldn't make any difference to the fact that it did HAPPEN and now you are and so it is, etc. etc. But for some reason it makes all the difference in the world. Maybe it's that if you know that making the wrong choice isn't going to end your life (usually) you won't stop breathing over it anymore.

This realization came with my mom, who I never have gotten along with, but when I tried today to discuss it with my dad, who I lately have been getting along with, he just shot it all down and told me to 'take care of business', whatever that means. I'm starting to remember why I wrote that diary entry about him freshman year, the one I cried all over so it's hardly readable. But the strange thing now is that I don't really care. I know that when he starts feeling like he doesn't have the upper hand anymore he starts laughing and stuttering and speaks like he's the voice of logic; the tone goes down an octave or up an octave... doesn't matter, but it's one of them. And he acts like everyone else is the stupidest person on earth.

But it doesn't matter because I only have to deal with this now because I'm home on break. In a week I'll be back in Boulder, back in college, away from (and I hate to say this) my parents' CHILDISH bickerings. Good God. You'd think they'd get over it and themselves and each other by now.

And as for the dad-decrying entry in my (paper) diary from (it's actually)sophomore year, I've found it. Thought I should post it to give everyone (and me) a little perspective from the time when he wasn't the saviour prince of my world.

7/14/00
this is what I want from my dad.
-reasonability, if that's a word - things should not happen just because he does or doesn't FEEL like it.
-respect - realizing that dehumanization is not discipline and that everyone in a family is equal and [blurred] a place for their needs.
-independence - [blurred] says that it's up to me, the [blurred] of punishments he gives INHIBIT responsibility, not encourage it.
-quit the displacement - realize that a tough day at work does not equal the right to be invincible to the family; not [blurred] many days in a row.
-get off the high horse - realize that money doesn't equal power and things in this house are not only one person's but belong to everyone. We leave the office area alone; we should be given equal allowance to choose an area he doesn't touch.
-things I am, age-wise and maturity-wise, able to do should not be interfered with - I would be happy to buy my own internet access in return for the right to use it how I want.
-care - right now he does not have the will to change things because in the current setup he always comes out on top; the only one not being smothered and/or belittled.
-if he really wants me to be 'responsible' and to 'take care of business', it has to come from all around. his unwillingness to let me touch his VCR, his car, his phone, shows a lack of continuity. If I'm supposed to be self-sufficient, it cannot only be to HIS advantage, but to mine as well. Stopping me from doing things for the claimed reason of letting me make my own decisions regarding, well, doing things, is talking out of both sides of his mouth. Or neither.
-There are only three of us and we cannot [blurred] heavily weighted towards one side. I cannot take it and neither can Mom.

And here we have it. I wasn't as well spoken then though I tried to be, and used words a little wrong, but the gist of it is there. It's not that hard to have it all come back in a heap. But this time I don't have to deal with it. Distance makes the heart grow.... more distant.

 

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