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8:02 p.m. - February 18, 2002
interpersonal issues
There's nothing left to do except wait. He's gone from my head, at least gone in the way that he was there a week ago, so insistent. Now it's my own head, waiting, that's making him be there.

I was thinking that a really good reason for not committing suicide is just to see how you turn out when you grow up. See if any of your predictions came true. I mean personally I have no specific predictions; when I think about myself as an adult I draw a total blank. Sometimes I have little snatches of vision in my head involving a room full of musical odds and ends, a full recording studio in, say, the sunroom of a big old house in the mountains. And sometimes I get visions of children, which is incredibly creepy; little versions of me running around wild, breaking things. I never see a husband. Sometimes a lover, sometimes multitudes of lovers, but never anyone constant as a husband, or a steady boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever my ultimate preference turns out to be. Just snatches of life. And never any sort of clue as to what job I might have. I'm a bit uncertain about that. I've always thought I don't really have the stamina necessary to stick with any one thing long enough to receive full training for it, and therefore am going to end up jumping from odd job to odd job making money where I can, and traveling and doing random impulsive things in different countries with different people. I fear for my ability to make any sort of long-lasting connection.
You might not notice from the way I speak about people I love in here, but it's kind of difficult for me to make attachments. I have little groups of friends for awhile with whom I then get bored and move on, thinking later of how stupid I was. Here and there, then and again, I pick up people I really really like and want to get to know better, and once I do know them better, I either run away or accept them as a connection.. or, rather, I don't accept anything, but a connection just sort of happens and then it's there, and I have it, and love them, and that's that. But not many people make it through the screening.
I guess that makes it easier to stomach when I realize people don't really like me. I mean... I don't really like people, so why should I expect anything more or less in return? There are just those odd few... and I do mean odd few, I can think of about two or three... whose opinions mean more to me than any combination of the rest of the world combined (redundant, anyone?) and if they don't like me it bothers me more than anything should ever bother anyone, ever. That's where I get my reputation (opinion held myself, as well) for being overemotional.
I think there must be something wrong with the interpersonal portion of my brain. Two or three people shouldn't get all the attention required of one or two thousand.

 

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