23:36 - July 28, 2002
forgiveness?
In sixth grade I made a friend in science class. We bonded over the fact that we both thought this teacher was, 'like, a huge loser and stuff'... in sixth grade, that was enough. We passed notes back and forth that contained less than flattering depictions of Ms R. in the midst of screwy science teacher mode, and laughed our way through her lectures. Once the teacher read one, and she placed us on opposite sides of the room. Not that that stopped us. We would simply write notes and toss them, or wait until after class and exchange them. Soon after, we had formed a friendship. Its base was, basically, mutual hatred for the same person, but somehow we managed to keep each other entertained. We had a couple of sleepovers. My memory is fuzzy so far back, and all I remember is running around having a pillow fight in the living room and putting a beanbag on top of her sister to try and smother her. In the morning, we played catch in the park.

Over the summer, we didn't see each other at all, and when school began again, she pretended she'd never been friends with me. She and her friends would sometimes dare each other to come up to me and ask me stupid questions; 'do you shave your legs?' 'have you ever kissed a boy?' etc. I would never answer. I would stare at them levelly until they went away, and then I would walk away myself and wish I'd called over the summer, early enough to head off this weird transformation. It continued, albeit erratically, for the duration of middle school.

So I went to a play tonight and she was in it. I hadn't thought much about her in years; we'd exchanged a few friendly words in high school and I could see that whatever vicious humor she once thrived on had faded away into the background. We had friends in common. She had become the person she once would have made fun of mercilessly. I held no blame for what had gone on in middle school; everyone is a bitch in middle school. Middle school is where they put people to hang around and learn nothing while they wait to mature enough to be ready for the next step. Such mental stagnancy leads to snippiness and silly dramas and cliques and exclusiveness and intolerancy. It's no one's fault. Everyone has their little hidden away middle school self within. Anyway, tonight I was standing around with some friends, talking about the play, and she was in our little group. I'd congratulated her earlier, joked a little about the Spanish accent she faked. We were talking about college and she said something about her sister taking lessons at the store where I work and I said something like, 'all I remember of your sister is how she ran around screaming and annoying us when were trying to have a pillow fight.'

She laughed for a second and then turned semiserious and said, 'by the way, I'm really sorry I was such a bitch to you in seventh and eighth grade. I mean I was a really huge bitch. I don't know what was wrong with me.'

I didn't bother trying to tell her that she wasn't one, because she was, but I know that, given the opportunity and the social status, I would have done the exact same thing. I just asked her to be sure and tell me about college sometime, as she's going to one I almost went to, but didn't. I hugged her goodbye. Forgiveness is hardly forgiveness when there's no anger there anymore.

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