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8:49 p.m. - August 26, 2001 Could they really tell I was going to end up with him if I held my head tilted a certain way, if I kept that comma of irony peeking out of the left corner of my mouth, if I played with the frayed ends of my sleeves? If I kept my mouth mostly shut? I worry everyone knows when they watch me, the imminent effects of my actions. I speak and instantly cease to be a passive observer; instead becoming oblivious of their reactions to my actions, and my reactions to their actions. I don't regain that sense of objectivity until I've stepped away and curled up somewhere, chewing my nails and furiously exploring events before they fade away. My memory has a blank circle that lasts from about two days after the fact to maybe three months after. During that time it's like it never existed. I suppose that's one way not to dwell on the past... Either way, I don't know what will happen, and everybody else does. Am I so predictable, reprise? They knew when he was going to change his mind about me. They knew when I would crack under the pressure and how to hold it off for as long as they could. They knew when he was going to ask me out, and that I would unwittingly laugh at him when he did, and feel terrible about it later, even though he was a jerk. And I think now they know what I started last night, if I started anything, and I shouldn't ask because once I know, I'll regret it. Maybe just a hint? Am I so predictable reprised again, the underlying theme, and do I follow such and such pattern, are you my guardian angel and if so, why don't I feel safe? Why can't I understand?
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