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6:06 p.m. - September 20, 2001
i flinch as i post more poetry
nobody told you to be my everything. why have you taken the role? stretched out on your back, listening...why won't i stop wanting to kiss you? who do i wish we could be warm together? nobody told you you had to speak all those little nothings, everything...from you, everything... and why should i believe them? because you are warm and honest and prosaic and beautiful, and i feel you perfectly, mine, my one chance at bliss, gone before my 18th birthday. why do you stand out as the only one? i cannot imagine anyone else. you are who i would pull a Juliet for, and i am a minor character, the loyal sidekick... the excruciating divide.. the cruelty of karma.

------

firy red like flaming lips, metal tips

plunge deep, splinter

thousands torn, millions shocked

the hunger is born

take the ship's wheel

spear the bottom with knives

let the water pour in,

same outcome, destruction, death

this is both ways

this is a drug

this is the apocalypse

done in one day

we've done it for years

the man at the helm overdoses each day on pride

the power drug

the disease

kamikaze, silver jets safe, high

don't call him a coward

don't kill his dying wish

avenge, avenge, but what will it bring?

self-destruct, x years

inevitable

so go ahead, speed it up

-----

i must have been sleeping under the bed when i said what i said... weeping and hiding behind thinly veiled insecurity, pleading instability. drugged on numb pills, pretend i don't mind, pretend i don't notice i'm selling my fear, or tracking my every move in the mirror. i'll let you believe you're my saving grace, the only face i'd say this to, it's even true. this moving truth, i needed you! take this revelation with a modest face and pretend you've never heard it before, carefully hug me and open the door. i linger on the brake like i'm waiting, self-consciousness fading.. you glow, back-lit, in the streetlights, you hesitate, smiling... i say goodnight. it's always so hard to leave you, impossible to return from the world where somebody's there, where i like to pretend that somebody cares. it's always so hard to leave you. caught within your spell, i almost believe in you.

 

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