Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry

10:12 p.m. - March 16, 2002
dulled
I remember what it used to be like, vaguely, slowly; the perception of it should be a sharp one, but the effects themselves file down its claws. In other words, my medication is starting to dull my edges again. I fell asleep immediately after watching A Clockwork Orange, which, incidentally, was much better than the book; one of the few exceptions to the 'books kick films' asses' rule. I thought Alex was cute, which probably ruined the entire intended effect, but: c'est la vie, and yes, that is only time I will ever use French, ever, Erik. And I almost fell asleep on him, but my face was so terribly hot from the waves off this fucking human furnace that I couldn't, which was good, because if I had, they would have messed with my head, just like they used to. Oh, I remember waking up not remembering walking around, with good reason, for when I was walking around I was still 'asleep'. (In the loosest sense of the word, that...) Taylor used to insist that it was epilepsy, and as a convincing counterargument I would swiftly change the subject. It is not epilepsy, it's a side effect that is not listed on the side of the label. What would they list it as? 'Patient may exhibit symptoms of hypersomnia and carry on perfectly lucid conversations while fast asleep and crawl across the floor grabbing people's asses?' No, no, no no no, and if they did there would be mayhem. But why else would this only happen while medicated? And I want my sex drive back, fuck it all, I can feel it slipping away. I was on Paxil when the hormones allegedly hit, so I never got the full surge of teenage 'sexsexsex' craze that so many freshmen get. I thought I had a sex drive until I stopped taking the meds, six months ago. Then I realized that wasn't a sex drive. This was a sex drive. And now... well, now. Everything's dulled. It's to be expected that that should be as well.
What you have to think about, sometimes, is whether you'd rather have the panic, sharp edges and all, and the rest of life, pangs of happiness and anger and grief and exhilaration everywhere, or some sort of wavy blurred plane where you can't quite tell what it is you're feeling, if you're feeling anything, which you're most likely not.

 

previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!