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11:32 p.m. - February 09, 2002
cryptic
written.. ooh. october? i think that's right...
and then revised. because i'm clear now.

my hands tremble all the way to the shower . i'd almost forgotten . his blue eyes are everything anybody ever said they are . magnetic . 'he can see through my skin!' . well, he said the same thing about you, buddy... . fuck this, i thought he was dead . he sent them and i thought immediately what if he's finally gone? . we knew it would happen sooner, he'd go off the deep end . what if, by some power he'd hold even after death, he had him send this, the only concrete proof i'd ever have of his existence . that he might have wanted me to see him now he's gone . (the only time he would) (as it turns out, i'm wrong) . but it wouldn't matter since he'd never know . (fuck irony) . he called them contraband. cryptic, cryptic, can't you ever say anything in plain language? i shrieked at him, tell me, tell me, before i reach through these invisible lines and grasp you around your neck.. . because i thought he was dead. what would he say if he knew? (stay behind bulletproof glass) . nothing he'd have sent himself (FUCK irony) . the pose of wry unimportance, the drunk smile, the splash of tie-dye blankets . those eyes . 'he can see through my skin' . and this is just a photograph..
i keep trying to match the face with our connection and keep failing miserably . oh, thank you, thank you, i wouldn't have strangled you, not you, i just Want To Know If He's Dead (Dammit) . 'of course he's not dead, what a preposterous idea!' . 'preposterous?' . you're so goddamn british . if there's no reason, then why? he's going to kill you. but oh, thank you for doing this, thank you for caring, for reminding me . if he did die, i would never know and i would have no record of his having walked through my mind . (but those eyes.) but now i feel i just might..
everyone's softness and their hardness mixing perfectly. thank you so much. and where is he now? what kind of finalization is this, if it isn't death, then what is it?, like a last memoir . and, oh, i miss him . i miss him so much

 

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