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13:25 - December 17, 2002 Wait, I'm not ready yet. There's so many people I haven't seen that I was sure that I'd have seen by now. Aaron brushed past me on his way off the bus but I didn't say goodbye because I was sure I'd see him again. I haven't. I didn't wait for Rachel after the philosophy test because I was sure we'd go climbing one last time before I left. We haven't. I guess I did say goodbye to Claudia, but it was rushed because she had a psychology test that she was late for because she'd been showing me the Emporium, which I'd somehow escaped ever having been to. Nick isn't in his room and I remember now that he probably won't be in it until tomorrow, when I'll have already gone. I hope at least that Andrew won't suddenly decide himself un-lazy and go somewhere tonight... that would be a first. At least I have him to count on. I need to show him my new pipe with the gecko on it that we cannot smoke out of so it'll still be legal to take on the plane. Everybody had better show up there tonight. Like Saturday. Saturday was everyone. I hadn't felt so within something since I left home. On the other hand, never mind, I AM ready. 'since I left home' are the operative words; when I get home, I'll be within again, hopefully, and if I'm not, well.... I guess I'll just figuratively curl up and die, in a way. Everyone says things with your high school friends will never be the same, no matter how close you were. But everyone who says that had different kinds of friends in high school. (don't you love the ego? WE are different. WE are better. WE will last.) WE demand it. I guess it's all a matter of who cares enough to keep it going. We've got quite a mix of apathy and... whatever the opposite of apathy is... in our group. If it doesn't become lopsided, it'll all be okay, I think. If the world works like I hope it does, you can't drift apart from people unless you have more people to distract you. I can't see that happening, though. I can't see the world happening like I hope it happens; it never has. I used to hope the world happened like the graph of x squared. You hit bottom and everything from there was ascending, exponentially, higher and higher and higher. I hoped this because I thought I had hit bottom. If it happens like negative x squared, and you knew about it, you could just off yourself after zero, because that would be the only high point you've ever had and ever will have, so I guess if that were the case we wouldn't be allowed to know about it. (I can't believe I'm using math analogies.) X^3 is way too optimistic for me, it's just up and up and level and up and up and exactly how the sugary sweet people who I tend to hate see life. -X^3 is way too depressing to think about. So I won't think about it. In fact, how about I don't think about life being a mathematical graph at all? How about I think of life as a metaphor for life as a metaphor for life? If it never ends, there's no way to disprove it. If there's no way to disprove it, I can think about it however I want, forever. I don't like to think about death when I'm lying in bed at night. It's probably the lack of Paxil, in fact it's definitely the lack of Paxil.... having logicked my way out of panicking and thinking I have appendicitis, that I don't have any friends, that I'll get hit by a truck, that the plane will crash, etc., it's come to this: I am going to die in my sleep. From forgetting to breathe. The last few nights my heart has been beating unnaturally loudly, actually waking me up a couple of times, and it's getting a little hard to breathe. I know, the breathing, the breathing, how cliched, but it's always the last resort. You can get around appendicitis or crashing planes, but breathing stays with you no matter what. I even scared myself into the late night thought that I've smoked my throat useless, and was actually considering giving up weed, but then remembered people who have smoked weed for fifty straight years and are perfectly healthy. You don't smoke yourself out in a year, no matter what. Not even a year. Um, I have to say that something I hate is something hard for me to control. Something that necessitates a pill to control it for me. There has to be a better way.
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