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1:15 p.m. - January 06, 2002
experience with the addendum
Everybody always says you won't get high the first time you smoke.
And I can still feel it from 16 hours ago. I guess they forgot to tack on the addendum 'unless you're using a fat glass pipe and some fucking potent shit'....that would have been helpful to my cause. I wasn't expecting for it to work at all. Alcohol does nothing but make me feel ill. And the few times I've been around other people smoking and taken in lots of secondhand, I haven't even felt a tingling.
Anyway, I was flying high as a kite. I liked it too much, really. It hit me like a wall before it hit anyone else. I was standing in the kitchen washing out the bowl and I turned around with it an the towel in my hand and looked at her, sitting in a chair. And all of a sudden the floor tipped, and the chair tipped, but she stayed the same. She should have tipped with the chair, but there she remained, floating-like, staring at me, and I found that I couldn't open my eyes all the way, as if they were being held by tiny red ropes. That was the first wave. Then the second..at first, I just felt nauseous, and went outside for a bit, thinking for sure I was going to vomit and I was now decidedly one of those people who can't tolerate drugs, fuck it all, and so I was sitting there swallowing and swallowing and realizing, slowly, flickering, that it didn't matter whether I was sick. I didn't care whether I was going to be sick or not. And what's more, I didn't care about being inside while I felt like I was going to be sick, amidst lights and walls and slick surfaces and everything I hate when I'm anxious. Because I wasn't. Anxious, I mean, at all. And that's what I meant when I told them later; I haven't felt like this since I was eight or nine years old.
So I went inside, the phone rang. I laughed and laughed and laughed, talked and laughed and laughed and hung up. It wasn't funny. I felt so light. We went upstairs, rolled out on my bed in a row with the blanket on, and music on, Radiohead, and do you know, I liked it. I could never listen to Radiohead before because his voice is constantly out of tune and it hurts, but then he sounded perfect. And I wasn't thinking in tune. I wasn't thinking in chords or melodies and my fingers didn't move toward the right keys on the piano. I didn't remember how to play a C scale. They high-fived each other, saying I had finally come down to normal person music level, but it bothered me a little. Soon, though, I forgot why it bothered me, and what they were talking about, and what I was thinking about.
That part was surprising. Everyone says that your memory fails you when high, but then, those were the same people that said I wouldn't get high the first time. It was amazing; there is no exaggeration there. I actually could not hold onto anything long enough to get their attention and say it, because the energy it took to get their attention broke my intricate thought patterns, and after I had their attention, I could not remember what I wanted to say. This was constant. I couldn't believe it. All my memory tricks, all of them, together, could not fight the weed. I officially had the attention span of a newborn. This, of course, was hysterical.
We had more later, but it was too late, I was already down too far to come back up any more than a few notches. He didn't let me have all that much anyway. Save some, eh? And that was our last, and inside on the couch, I looked at him laying all comfy under the blankets, and I blinked, looked again. Then stopped. Looked at her. "I don't want to touch him," I said. This was a fucking revelation. "I don't want to touch him," I said again, because it was so amazing. And it was. In all the five years I've known him, there has not been a second when the thought of giving him a hug, or curling up in a blanket with him, has been rejected by my mind. I didn't want to touch him. There was a huge sense of weight lifted, but also a sense of loss. If I couldn't feel that, there was going to be a whole hell of a lot else I couldn't feel either.
But it only lasted about five minutes. Then we all got under the blanket together. Suddenly I was simply sleepy, and perfectly content to rest my head to the sound of his steady heartbeat. I remembered something I was going to say at least two hours before, simply; 'I was hoping I wasn't going to enjoy it this much.'
Because now I want more. And I was hoping I wouldn't want more, that my mind was above such things or some crazy shit like that. But, no...

 

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