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21:08 - Wednesday, Sept. 16, 2015
not as a 19 year old
I haven't been single for more than a few months at a time since December 2003.

That's crazy.

Ask me if I thought that would be my life, anytime, well, before December 2003, and I would have given it about a .00001% chance. I watched others be serial monogamists and derided them for not knowing how to be alone or clinging to the first available piece of driftwood to come along the river or tying their personalities to guys. I mean, deriding people is what I default to - and that's one of the things I'll be working on changing when I am single again starting next week - but in this case it was probably all driven by jealousy. Like most things catty, really.

December 2003. When I think of how different I was back then, and how that person is the person who built the blueprints for how I act in relationships, I think, well, I pretty much have to be single for awhile now, just to hit (and hit and hit and hit) the reset button. I need to learn how to be in a relationship not as a 19 year old.

Or just how to not be in a relationship at all. At least for awhile.

I think the hardest part will be sleeping alone - that or not knowing whether my regret is authentic, and deserving of real attention, or derived wholly from the emotional rollercoaster caused by sleeping alone.


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