19:29 - Wednesday, Sept. 09, 2015
whatiffing
There's a deep divide between pain that affects me mentally and pain that does not affect me mentally. I know what the blood-brain barrier actually is, and it's not this, but 'pain-brain barrier' is sort of how I conceptualize this. Some pain makes it to the brain, some doesn't.

Affects me: chest pain, tooth pain, head pain (due to fear of: death, expense, and death, respectively).

Does not affect me: everything else. Cuts, bruises, sprains, throwing my back out, waxing, puncture wounds, sunburn, toenails falling off, etc. Those are all fine. No problem.

This struck me today mainly because I've been having fairly mild heat sensitivity in one of my root-canaled teeth, and have ever since been having obsessive thoughts about whatif the canal failed, whatif it'll need to be pulled, whatif it costs $3000 again, whatif I need to go through having a gaping hole in my mouth and constantly chewing the sharp end of tortilla chips into it, etc etc etc. Meanwhile, my toes are gnarled, aching and misshapen from cramming them into climbing shoes and you don't see me whatiffing about not being able to walk. Meanwhile, my right ear has started thumping and throbbing whenever it hears a certain frequency of noise, like that generated by keys tapping on a computer, and you don't see me whatiffing about going deaf.

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