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18:51 - Thursday, Mar. 16, 2006
when i write like this
Did we used to be able to bring computers everywhere? Was I capable of having a reasoned-out thought without having to apple-U to undo the underline and to un-hit the caps lock key from when I bumped it on the way to the D? It seems like a specifically invented kind of nausea that comes only with screens. Television and computer screens. I want to record myself singing over myself, a myself-a-cappella. Can I do it without a mixer, minutes and minutes of setup? I cannot. Without the screen? No.
It is cold outside. (Indent. These things are automatic. Is there a part of my brain now that caters to key commands, and inserts them automatically when forming thoughts? Do I think �)� at the end of a parenthetical? Do I know when I am starting one?) It is cold outside, and my parenthetical is about to become a new topic, because it being cold outside was about to be an excuse for my not turning cartwheels joyfully around grassy fields, but� it�s old. I myself am sick of hearing about it, because if if if if if. It is. It is cold, and that is that. I am not turning cartwheels (obviously). I am in Paradise Bakery & Caf�, eating an overpriced Southwestern chicken sandwich and a head-sized brownie, and writing this.
How many people on laptops in caf�s are writing things like this, and not doing their taxes or organizing spreadsheets or writing term papers (odd, how these all involve writing, but only one uses a form of the verb �to write� � I must take note of these things if I am to teach English)? Everyone looks so intent. Serious. I am the only one here at the moment, but I mean generally.
My first parenthetical still awaits. I consistently try very hard to follow a thought all the way through to the end, and consistently fail. Whereas I think my stories are longwinded as I write them, I read them over later and find that I don�t remember my bridges, and can�t find my connections. What was I thinking? Was I the same person? Why does the past-me not make the same connections as the current-me?
My first parenthetical still awaits. I will keep saying that until I get to it. Here it is: I don�t think anyone knows when they are starting parentheticals. Everything is a parenthetical, of course (which I really resisted typing, since it�s such a dumb-philosophy-major thing to type; unfortunately, it�s true anyway, which, unfortunately, occasionally happens, that dumb-philosophy-major things are true) but, also, there are no ends to trains of thought, as everything is connected (shit, another one). As I �finish� this thread, it gets more and more repetitive and irrelevant, and the next thing (balloons! honestly.) that pops into my head, I will jump on it as any excuse to save myself from my downward parenthetical spiral.
Unfortunately, I have nothing to say about balloons, but I do have this to say: I will read this later, while trying to convince myself to not bother writing because I suck at it sometimes, and, thus conditioned, I will think it is stupid (and possibly confusing, due to the insufficiently explained bridges and connections [especially this, here]), but let�s just put one thing down for the remembering record. I feel terrific when I write like this.

 

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