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17:24 - Friday, Jul. 15, 2005
nitrous epiphanies
I forgive my kingdom. I guess it was just kidding around. It was nice enough today to allow me to go to the beach and swim in the non-hypothermia-inducing water, so, you know. It's cool.

I lay in the dentist's chair today under nitrous - it was kind of like marijuana in that it made me think my mind was messed up when it really wasn't, which is a messed up state in itself. I stared out at the swaying leaves and wondered if this was one of those times that I wasn't going to remember having existed later. It's something I've always come near to with my mind to scare myself, a kind of more mature ghost story, like when little kids purposely freak the shit out of themselves so they can giggle hysterically to cover up their abject terror, and have an excuse to all sleep huddled up away from all the windows or whatever. Mine involves what happens when you go under general anesthesia. It's possible that while you're asleep, you can still feel everything, but can't move to stop it and don't remember later. I assume the anesthesia doesn't numb every nerve in your body, right? It just puts you to sleep. So your neurons still fire, and you still feel pain, on some level... I wonder if every time they put you under it's hours of pure torture that you pound on frantically with your mind, vowing to store this in your memory for later so you don't ever agree to getting put to sleep for terribly painful operations again. But then when you wake up, the experience is completely erased - you remember no pain or discomfort simply because your memory is in a different place. SHUDDER!

Anyway, I was thinking about this to a lesser extent, under nitrous, wondering if I would remember the swaying of the leaves and how everything still hurt just as much and was just as annoying but my mind just tended to not fixate on it, instead just wander away into musings like this. The answer is (obviously) yes: I remember. I remember trying to form a coherent thought, succeeding, and being surprised. My mind said "WHAT THE HELL, I THOUGHT I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ON DRUGS - WHY AM I THINKING COHERENTLY?!" but still, it was something other than, and better than, whimpering pitifully at the giant whirly tooth digger for hours, held still under its terrible spell. I have to go back tomorrow, and Monday, because I have 308,634,165,199 cavities, judging by the time he is estimating it will take. Hopefully I will have some more nitrous epiphanies.

09:38 - Thursday, Jul. 14, 2005
a kingdom called chicagoland
Once upon a time there was a kingdom where it was only sunny and beautiful when the princess was away. When she was away, assessed the kingdom as generally in the upper 80's with clear skies and low winds. But when the princess returned home for a visit, the kingdom became constantly overcast, cold, and humid, with freezing lakes full of dead fish. The princess understandably began to mistrust and thought about looking for a new desktop weather service with which to plan her vacation wardrobe, but when she asked the king what the land had been like in her absence, he replied 'fucking burning hot', which is kingspeak for 'really nice'. The princess wept with sorrow, for it appeared that her homeland disliked her presence and wished to drive her away with its dead fish and high gray clouds. She was forced to sit in her castle all day, aimlessly surfing the internet, instead of exploring the grounds and dancing joyfully in her royal sundresses.
As the gray days multiplied, the princess cursed her kingdom and swore never again to return. Instead, on breaks from princess school, where she learned the rules of royalty, she would from now on go to a faraway, quite foreign kingdom on the westernmost tip of the land with her suitor and his family where the weather was reputed to be beautiful year-round. Her royal friends in her kingdom would most certainly weep and beg her to stay, but that was just too goddamn bad. Her kingdom had betrayed her.


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