15:59 - Friday, Sept. 17, 2004 nowhere to go but up
i took my kitten Moon Unit out for a practice walk (part of an ongoing process to try and acclimate her to the outdoors so she can be a real outdoor cat and not shoot out the door like a bullet every time someone opens it and make all four of us chase her wildly around the front yard) and we only got as far as across the street before two neighbors descended, saying things like, 'what a baby! she's so cute.... her name is WHAT? oh look, she's hot, she's panting, she needs water..' so i felt obligated to take her inside to cool her down and water her. instead, she lay on the floor on her back looking dead.
I made a sign for the party tonight: PLEASE DO NOT OPEN THIS DOOR! AN EVIL KITTEN LURKS WITHIN, WAITING TO BITE YOU, AND/OR ESCAPE, BITE EVERYONE ELSE, AND THEN RUN OUT THE FRONT DOOR, NEVER TO RETURN!
and it's so true. you know when kittens are running around blindly and they hit a wall, and there's nowhere else to go but up, so they go up? i wonder if humans could do that too.
21:37 - Tuesday, Sept. 14, 2004 the dream distractions
a few nights ago i dreamed that in my oceanside house looking over the beach, saddam hussein with cat-limbs was being kept captive by the window, looking out over the crashing waves. he wasn't speaking, but i could hear his internal monologue: 'i can't believe there's no going back oh my god i can't believe it i'm here forever in these ropes i'm here forever...'
his internal monologue sounded like a midwestern farmer girl. a relative of mine standing on the other side of saddam hussein tossed him a cat-biscuit. swathed in ropes, he ignored it and kept moaning.
'let me try,' i said, and reached down to pet his head, saying 'nice kitty, nice kitty.'
he calmed down.
believe it or not, that dream might be the least weird of the ones i've been having. i also dreamed alicia eler met me in the airport with mushrooms filled with heroin, and i had to get them through security even though i didn't really want them. she changed her mind anyway and ate them herself. she asked if she could feel my mouth, then pulled away as she laughed, high.
i also dreamed an impossible combination of work and school where i wasn't studying Nakbe, Guatemala and its culture the right way because i wasn't flipping it in a frying pan with butter. i woke up thinking, 'this is the most ridiculous dream i've ever had' (even though it came after the saddam-dream). it didn't matter. i kept dreaming it. but it went away easier than the night i dreamt i had to write musical code in csound to get myself to sleep. there was a code for sleeping, but i didn't know what it was.
maybe it's just a really good way of telling me there is too much on my mind. maybe it's a really good way of saying i have to deal with some of it in my sleep because it's not getting dealt with while i'm awake. it's the only time i'm alone. i never dream about nick. he hasn't been in a dream for probably six months now. i don't know if that means i have no shit to work out, him-wise, or that i need a break from him and that break is sleep, or that i can't want him because there is nothing left to want when you have.
i get distracted from distractions by other distractions.