14:33 - Monday, Apr. 26, 2004 dreading and eagerly anticipating
Because the house Nick chose for us to live in next year is a) directly on the expressway, b) 3 miles from campus, c)not close to any grocery stores, d) on only one bus route, which only arrives every half-hour, and e) almost too far southeast to even be within Boulder city limits, I spent the walk home from visiting it in the worst mood ever. Yelling at Nick is futile because he's the calm type; the type who, if yelled at, will just smile softly and maybe murmur a few rebuttals under his breath. Therefore I did not yell. I stewed. But also told him in not uncertain terms that if this was going to be our house, I wouldn't be living in it. 'We're going to have to look for a new person, I guess,' he said. Softly. We didn't speak the rest of the way home.
This week has been a whirlwind in many, many ways, beginning with 4/20 and its accompanying complications, and ending with this. I haven't had my much-needed alone time in that long. When I don't get alone-time, I feel suffocated. In front of looking through, not at 'What Dreams May Come' I cried into my minestrone soup, and Nick set his spoon down and held me close. 'I'm going to take care of the dishes, and your job is to find some relaxing music to listen to while I give you a massage,' he told me.
It is almost possible now to sleep a full night stuffed into a single bed with him. I woke up to my alarm at 7:15, having to go to my 8:00 class and give a book report and my 9:00 class and sing melodies, clap rhythms, and play jazz chords on the piano, learning also that Yonatan, my theory teacher, is not coming back next year, which makes me sad... that other students won't be able to have him and his tiny slanted writing: 'Good work' even when voice leading problems are everywhere and you didn't do the assigned reading. But somehow still helpful.
I am both dreading and eagerly anticipating California.