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15:15 - Thursday, Jan. 22, 2004
you see now why i do not write.
man, contentedness really does not breed writing, at least not for me. or, at least, the writing it breeds is kept safe in my nice private microsoft word document, because nobody wants to read the ramblings of new wondering love, or whatever the hell this is.
i feel like i'm leading two lives; the same life i've always led, and this one. they haven't really begun to cross yet. i get up and go to school and do my homework, and then i fall into this mindscape that makes no sense because i haven't the experience or the fallback to understand it. newness, i suppose. but it's more than that.
happiness is eager anticipation, we decided. along with a lot of other things... (the least corny one being mine: 'happiness is being really high and having a whole box of muscat gummies sitting right next to you.').. and i have so many things to look forward to right now, like they all appeared out of nowhere, lining up in front of me like so many rainbow hoops to jump through. will you just listen to me? i mean, where the fuck did i come from?
wherever it was, i'm glad it's somewhere within me.
you see now why i do not write.

14:05 - Tuesday, Jan. 20, 2004
until i got there
i realized i went overboard on the artistic front yesterday when i found myself sitting splayed on a colorful mexican carpet, an array of latex paints lined up in front of me, painting an eyeball in purple and light blue-gray on an unfinished solid oak table, listening to the amelie soundtrack softly flowing out from hidden speakers beneath the desk. nick sat a few feet from me, his back against his bed, sketching in pencil and waiting for his turn with the paints. while he painted, i read to myself from the complete winnie-the-pooh anthology. then we made omelettes with avocado and turkey and chives and parsley.
i don't know what i would have thought had i shown myself this scene a year ago. probably i would have been damn impressed. and confused. but impressed nonetheless. it's what i always pictured college being like... until i got there.


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