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who i would have been
February 20, 2002
10:57 p.m.

this entry is for Erik, who wants to know who I would be if i could 'forget everything up til now.'

If I could start over, I wouldn't hang over people's shoulders while they were talking just so I could get my nose in and feel like I was included, even if later they would walk away talking about how they wished I wasn’t there. I wouldn’t be the kind of person people wished wasn’t there. I might pay more attention to being pretty if it weren’t too late to change perceptions, but anything I do now wouldn’t make a bit of difference. I’d do everything extreme early on so no one would be surprised if later something went wrong and I fell apart.
I would be the sort who either simply slides through life or is overly dramatic about every little thing, because those extremes are desirable. I’d have a collage-wall and a book overflowing with photo-prose-memories and a shag rug. Also, a music collection that could provide background or foreground music for absolutely any occasion, from loud parties to dancing to quiet talking to lovemaking. I’d not really worry about brushing my hair, or impressing boys. Both should come only when necessary, and unexpected, or for a certain occasion. I wouldn’t be so conscious that everyone is thinking how ugly my body is at the beach and reason, instead, that it will be uglier in fifty years.
I don’t know how many of the people I know now I regret meeting. Probably none. There are people I regret not meeting, though. And there are people I know, had I not met them, my life would be drastically different, and in most cases, probably easier and a lot less painful. If I could start over I wouldn’t let it be painful because I would know how it would all turn out, no matter what; regretful and alone.
Just enough unhappiness to send me into a short downward loop that lets me write amazing prose and beautiful music, then come back up again.
If I could do it over I’d be involved in a lot more things, things I thought I could do on my own but ultimately, once I started, were more fun with other people. I wish I’d thought more and talked less. I wish I hadn’t dropped out of the human race freshman year. I wish I’d done more of the things I really wanted to do. I wish I hadn’t let Max put the top down on my car. I wish Graham hadn’t happened. I wish I’d taken Jazz Studies. I wish my parents had made me choose ONE instrument. I wish I was a mystery instead of an open book. I wish you would see me as something other than someone who’s not even smart enough to get her own shit together and choose her own paths; a ‘silly girl’, if you will.

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