8:30 a.m. - October 28, 2001
so it goes..
So I went to the concert, I went to the party, all was happy, fun, merry, and definitely ill, coughing all over everything the entire weekend and throwing out my back in the mosh pit. See, I can't even begin to write about my weekend because I don't know who reads this, and if the wrong people read it, I'll be in deep fucking doo-doo, but suffice it to say that people don't need do excessive PDA at parties, and other people need to have stayed for my performance, and it's just.. well, it's annoying, because when Livio and I went to the concert, I was hoping he'd be a jerk, I was hoping he'd be late, he'd insult my car, he wouldn't thank me for the ride, we'd have nothing to talk about, so I could just say.. 'well, fuck him, fuck the whole thing..' but.. damn, he's just.. I just really like him. We had fun, we talked in the car, we actually got along, he's cute, he's smart, he's funny, it's simply not fair. And it's always, always Amelia, can you tell I've stopped caring about using names, probably because my fever is turning me into an idiot? It's always her, Luke, Galen, Livio, it's ALWAYS her. I wish I could hate her, but I can't, she's my friend.. I like her, dammit, and apparently so does everybody else. I can't hate her just for being desirable. Well, I could, but it isn't my style.

You know, I shouldn't talk about this here, because then people from school will come up to me and go, "aww! I'm so sorry! poor hannah!' And not that that's all bad.. in fact, I appreciate it a lot.. but it will somehow get back to at least Amelia, if not Livio, and she'll think she has to apologize to me. And she doesn't! She doesn't! Just because she's lucky enough to.. well.. whatever.. it doesn't mean she should feel bad about it. I already helped cause one breakup with my hysterics, albeit unintentionally, and although I know that no matter how hard I screamed, I couldn't break this one up, and I wouldn't want to. You don't believe me, but I really wouldn't want to. In some twisted, perverse way, I'm happy for them, even though this kind of happy makes my heart hurt. But it's still a type of happy. The looks on their faces. Bouncing around, he was so giddy, she was so calm. Their faces. Fuck, it's beautiful to see people happy together. But it makes me cry.

Anyway, other topics before I get all worked up. I feel bad because I was so sick and ill-tempered that I treated my friends really badly, especially Mr Bochenkels, for whom it was the first time meeting me, I mean, how must I have come off? I ran around the room like a maniac, trying to avoid people and trying to find people, comforting Maria because she was so nervous, getting petted by Karolina, getting leaned on by Rachel.. really, I left him alone with lots of people he didn't know, all too frequently. With Nikki and Nora, though, I suppose he was fine. They're two of the friendliest people I know.

The Band Formerly Known As The Umlautic Camels, minus Alisa performed Israel's Son on a whim, after the last band played, right in the middle of the people auctions, which is a long story, but.. anyway, my voice was threatening to leave me the entire song. We played it, though. I don't know how we were, I know I was out of tune, but I don't know who else noticed. Dan with the Fuzzy Hair left, right as we were about to play, and then came back five minutes after we were done. He says he is a worthless human being. I tended to agree last night, but.. I suppose it was an accident.

Ok, I'm done with the complaints. I'm sorry I've been so blah lately, but.. it's been a bad time for me. Sometime I'll go back to being the happy singing camel.. sometime, I don't know when. I'll let it happen as it happens.

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